church bells sound more beautiful in england.

what it was like last summer with your hands on my ass in the dark and the dark like something trustworthy in a wooden hotel room near superior. begging for it and the feel of your tongue in my mouth. brutal and beautiful and on the carpet and in beds and in chairs and i wanted you to stop the car and pull over so we could in a parking lot or in the woods. you were afraid of getting caught.

i no longer feel passion like that. i pray nightly. i wake up in the middle of the night confused and betrayed and kneeling on bedsheets twisted into a heap on a bare mattress. my heart feels fucked up. the beat's all wrong. i rub my eyes and pull at my mussed clothing and pray some more and then fall asleep so fast that being awake feels like the dream and dreaming the only true thing.

i dream of my teeth falling out of my mouth. this is a common dream. many people dream the same thing. it signifies a loss of control. sometimes, during the day even, i close my eyes and all i see is falling teeth. a castle of them falling.

we sit next to each other in the pub and i wonder what it would be like to stick my fingers in your mouth and press them against your teeth, against your tongue and gums. sometimes it seems so stupid to sit and listen to you talk when we could be doing that and i wish you'd still let me.

river water winter chamber.

a room in a city where everything is gray. a sore throat. palest skin.

i think so often lately about growing things. i want to plant a garden. lillies and rosemary and tomatoes and fat pumpkins leaping up from the wet earth.

the smell of soil in the plot leading up to the organic grocery store in town does me in every time i walk past. i walk past in the afternoons on days when i don't have classes, late, when the school children are getting out and strolling home in dark uniforms and black shoes. constant rain. concrete buildings.

i want to take care of other things because i can no longer take care of myself. this is true now in every possible way. i clean the kitchen three times a day like it could atone for my sins and make things right again. i am trying. i swear i'm trying. i make the appointments. i go to most classes. i know that i complain too much. i'm sorry.

i miss my sisters and wish my mother would call.

blood, but just barely.